I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Randomize