he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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