bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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