Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
