I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
