im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
