I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
