Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Did I show you my penis last night?
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
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