she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
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