I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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