I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize
