the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Randomize
