you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Randomize
