This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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