i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
