i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Randomize
