I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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