My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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