just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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