I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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