why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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