Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
