He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
