This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Randomize
