I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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