Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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