I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
