Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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