matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize