Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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