i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
