I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Randomize
