I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize