You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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