I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
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