if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
