Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Randomize