never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
