The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I lost the right to judge tonight
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
