you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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