Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Randomize
