So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
