I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
