I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Randomize
