i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
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