Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
