i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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