Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
