why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Randomize
