i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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