i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
where are you?
Hypothermia
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
