I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
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