dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Randomize
