I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
