just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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