Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Randomize
