I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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