Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I deserve this hangover.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
